I recently saw that my second favorite human being on Earth*, Aaron Sorkin, is developing a new TV pilot on HBO. It will be a behind-the-scenes look of a cable news program. Sorkin has been considered an elite writer even before winning the Oscar for The Social Network. Even his biggest failure, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, was loved by critics. His other movies, The American President and A Few Good Men are masterpieces of modern cinema.
I still contend that his first show, Sports Night, will forever be the greatest sitcom that no one will know about. His throwaway movies of Malice and Charlie Wilson’s War are entertaining and cerebral. Finally, The West Wing…simply golden. Greatest show ever.
However, much like the GOP, Sorkin is just as known for taking a wonderful thing and sabotaging it on an epic level. Every TV show he had was cancelled because of problems he had with the networks. As a politico, I continue to follow every day, the malcontents in GOP primary race, months before it matters.
So, I thought let’s have some fun — and combine all of them. Why not label each GOP campaign after an old West Wing episode? (It’s a waste of time.)
Ok, yes it is. But it wouldn’t even be the 5th worst thing I’ve wasted time on today. And it will be fun, and hopefully hilarious.
Now, I’m talking episode titles here, not the entire content or plot of the episode. Not even I go that deep. (People who know me, know my depth and obsession with The West Wing and man-crush on Aaron Sorkin is borderline criminal, but…)
Michele Bachmann – Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics
Apparently, I really dislike my Congressional representative because I had five titles for her – and that was holding back. Since Bachmann has outright lied and lied and lied, again and again, while simply making up facts and data, this one was the most fitting…right behind, Evidence Of Things Not Seen, for the same reason.
Since she was licking her chops during the debt debate, Shutdown, came close to being her slogan, as she seems to have no problem with plunging our country into a financial misery never seen. Even though she is from Minnesota, she has spent two years in Iowa playing up her birthplace, so King Corn also seemed fitting.
Lastly, In God We Trust, because a vote for Michele Bachmann means you are electing Marcus Bachmann to be President. If I’ve learned anything from Christians lately, it’s that the extreme fundamentalists just let the man do whatever they want.
Herman Cain – Isaac & Ishmael
I don’t know if Atlanta hates Muslims or just Herman Cain, but he really has a fundamentalism problem** or just really hates dark people. While he has yet to express disapproval of Native Americans, I decided to include, The Indians In The Lobby, because it was available and his candidacy seemed to be entirely about demographics, by his choice.
Newt Gingrich – The Last Hurrah
It is really awkward to see something who has not been relevant in politics for a decade, and has had 4 successors since he served as Speaker. I also liked, Game On, because he has been the most fired up candidate, surprisingly. Finally, I have to take a pot shot with, Full Disclosure, because with five divorces and numerous financial and staff issues, this has been a focus of his campaign.
Mitt Romney – Faith-Based Initiative
It was difficult to tag the most vanilla, noncontroversial, and seasoned politician in the field. But, as in 2008, his campaign is centered on Mormonism. So this tag fits.
Ron Paul – Ways & Means
Ask Ron Paul about the weather, and he’ll mention Keynesian theory. Or if you’re lucky, he’ll quote the Constitution, so Separation of Powers would have been just as good. Since these are the only two topics he will discuss, it seemed appropriate to give him the two titles that referenced the budget process and the Constitution.
Rick Perry – The Wake Up Call
This one was a toss up! For the biggest superstar “will-he-or-wont-he” straddler in the field, this gets the nod over Talking Points. Mainly because while Perry needs to learned the sharp and pithy world of GOPSpeak, 10-words-or-less on any issue; I have a feeling Perry has a bit of shell-shock now that he’s in the field.
Jon Huntsman – The Long Goodbye
Why are you still here?
Gary Johnson – Gone Quiet
As in, no one even knows you are in the race. I almost went with, Constituency of One; as in, you are the only person supporting your own campaign.
Rick Santorum – Enemies Foreign & Domestic
Or War Crimes. Or The Dogs Of War. This guys talks about our wars, and the virtue of torture that I wonder if he has a man-crush on General Petraeus. It is all he talks about, when he’s not trying to challenge Bachmann by talking about family values and religion.
Tim Pawlenty – Internal Displacement
I know, I know, he is out of the race. But after being the front-runner for McCain’s VP slot in 2008, having the up-and-comer buzz through the 2010 Midterms, and to be the first one to officially jump in and to officially run an ad — his epic futility is noteworthy. He tanked his own campaign. I picked him as the nominee for 2012 in 2009 and again on one of my first blog posts, one of the most pathetic campaigns in recent memory.
There you go. Totally worthless post, but why not?
*Sorry, Aaron. No one touches Rahm Emanuel.
**The fundamentalism problem is exclusive to the GOP, in which a Republican states the problem is with the extreme fundamentalist and then paints the entire 1.5 billion strong population as extremists.